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of these two-hour lectures are taped and available by mail for $10 each
plus shipping. For now, email me directly
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Lecture
tapes from 2000Lecture
tapes from 1999
Lecture
tapes from 2001:
Prior
Months' Lectures:
January
2001 Lectures
NO LECTURE on Wednesday January 3rd
NO LECTURE on Wednesday January 10th
January 17, 2001 Forgiving: Psychological models
In months past we've discussed Patti Harada's Meta Ego model of achieving
a state of forgiveness.
The first lecture of each month this year will be devoted to studying
various psychologists' models of the forgiving process with an emphasis
for what is healthy and what requires careful observation to eliminate
the dangerous potential for self harm that can happen to those suffering
severe or chronic injury.
January's lecture will begin a discussion of psychologist Robert Enright's
20-unit/4 phase model. Dr. Enright and his colleagues have done much
research in forgiving and its positive mental and physical health effects.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to look at your grievances
in light of what Enright calls "The Uncovering Phase" of forgiving.
However, we will look at how the specific application of Harada's "Meta
Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain enhance the 8 units
of Enright's first phase under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will
be placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that it is in no way to be
construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide or
excusing bad behavior on the part of others.
January 24, 2001 Healing the relationship ... even if you decide
not to stay, or if he/she has already left
Chronic relationship conflicts are brutal to life. Our attachment
to each other – or more accurately, the way in which we attach to each
other – is, at once, the most important contribution to good health,
and the most disastrous.
As we age – and as we grow emotionally, intellectually and spiritually
– we are often drawn into conflict about the rightness of staying in and
the wrongness of leaving the primary relationships in our lives.
Many others have had the decision made for them, having been abandoned
for a relationship with someone else.
Others stay in relationships that are painful for reasons that are
important to them: the children, financial security, fear of loneliness
and aloneness.
One view of therapy and set of self-help books can leave us wondering
if we’re avoiding our healing by staying. The other can make us wonder
if we’re avoiding our lessons by leaving.
But the bottom line of any decision is the necessity of healing the
relationship anyway. Healing the relationship even if you are no
longer in it.
How do you do it if there is no in the relationship one but you who
is interested in doing so? How do you avoid making whatever you're
living with livable? What are the guidelines for what seems workable
and what seems impossible. How does one know what “the lesson” is,
and how do you get the courage to know it and live it?
This lecture looks at a unique model of lessons of women and men, and
offers a view of ourselves as women and as men that can both refresh your
idea of who you are and might want to be and how you are and want to be
in relation to the world around you.
This lecture will look at the problems experienced by many who are working
to make their relationships work in a seemingly unworkable environment
of differences.
January 31, 2001 Guilt, Fear, Regret and Remorse
Guilt, fear and regret are the perpetual fuel of grief because they
are so unresolvable, and they are so shaming and so incriminating that
the cycle of pain becomes self perpetuating.
The capacity for hindsight that is such a powerful learning mechanism
for us as humans becomes a blade of torture for the grief stricken who
see in their reality those things they failed to do, or those things they
did that resulted in loss.
The unresolvability inherent in true regret creates nearly unbearable
pain, and we are a culture, perhaps even a species, that avoids all pain
at all costs. In fact, though, if we were to suddenly stop
avoiding the pain while in our standard operating mental states with their
attendant self-critical attitudes, the pain would truly be unbearable and
scaring. Suicides could result from that kind of self awareness without
the unconditional kindness necessary to make it a learning, growing experience
of deep spirit.
So how do we resolve this? Do we ignore it, try to push it out
of our minds? Do we plunge ourselves into the depths of unresolvable
regret with no hope of self absolution?
This lecture will address how to recognize the difference between guilt
and fear, and will demonstrate how regret evolves into the enlightened
experience of remorse where our regret, guilt and fear can be drawn into
a sense of meaning and purpose.
February
2001 Lectures
February 7, 2001 Forgiving: Psychological models
In months past we've discussed Patti Harada's Meta Ego model of achieving
a state of forgiveness.
The first lecture of each month this year will be devoted to studying
various psychologists' models of the forgiving process with an emphasis
for what is healthy and what requires careful observation to eliminate
the dangerous potential for self harm that can happen to those suffering
severe or chronic injury.
February's lecture will continue a discussion of psychologist Robert
Enright's 20-unit/4 phase model of how to go about forgiving in interpersonal
relationships.
Dr. Enright and his colleagues have done much research in forgiving
and its positive mental and physical health effects.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to look at your grievances
in light of what Enright calls "The Decision Phase" of forgiving.
However, we will look at how the specific application of Harada's "Meta
Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain enhance the
3 units of Enright's second phase under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will
be placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way
to be construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide
or excusing bad behavior on the part of others.
February 14, 2001
What?! No Valentine!
We joke in our culture about the lover who fails regularly to display
evidence of his attachment. And sometimes we joke about the guys
who fall all over themselves giving to women who want no part of them.
But what’s going on here? Why are we caught up in a chronic longing
and yearning for the connections that elude us?
This lecture will talk about the chronic pain we endure as we come
to terms with our craving for recognition that we are loved.
As we age – and as we grow emotionally, intellectually and spiritually
– we are often drawn into conflict about the rightness of doing or not
doing, and more commonly, about the safety of doing or not doing for each
other.
This lecture will look at the issues of longing and yearning and feeling
rejected through a unique model of lessons of women and men, and
will offer a view of ourselves as women and as men that can both refresh
your idea of who you are and might want to be and how you are and want
to be in relation to the world around you.
February
21, 2001 Companionate love and its implications for well being
Many of us struggle throughout our lives to make our relationships work.
There is a solid biological basis in our efforts, since research over
the past 30 years demonstrates clearly that we are healthier when we are
loved.
But what does that do for those who, for one reason or another, find
themselves unloved? What if your experience in life is to find yourself
chronically wanting and perpetually not getting the sense of closeness
you so desperately need for your mental and physical well being?
It is a fact that those who are willing to work the hardest at their
relationships, often find themselves the most alone.
What, then, do we do? How do we turn the ship around and head
for deeper and clearer waters? How do we get the sense of companion-
ness that is so vital to our well being?
This lecture will address both the causes of the “always-left-out” phenomenon
and the solution to both improving your own well being and re-integrating
yourself into the stream of relating.
February 24, 2001
Valentine's Day was Awful (This is a Pasadena, California, lecture,
held at St. Luke's hospital in the Board Room from 2 to 4 pm)
February
28, 2001 The body as keeper of the secrets
Cutting edge neuro-scientists are making it clear in current research
that the unconscious mind resides in the body.
For many, that news is a mixed bag of blessings. If it’s true
that we hold our memories in our shoulders, our bellies, our legs, then
how do we get it out of there? And do we want to? And does
that have anything to do with why I breathe so shallow, and won’t dance,
and restrict my movements to the minimum?
This lecture will address these questions and demonstrate ways to safely
open the gates to your inner world through the confines in your body.
March
2001 Lectures
March7,
2001 Forgiving: Psychological models
In months past we've discussed Patti Harada's Meta Ego model of achieving
a state of forgiveness.
The first lecture of each month this year will be devoted to studying
various psychologists' models of the forgiving process with an emphasis
for what is healthy and what requires careful observation to eliminate
the dangerous potential for self harm that can happen to those suffering
severe or chronic injury.
March’s lecture will continue a discussion of psychologist Robert Enright's
20-unit/4 phase model of how to go about forgiving in interpersonal relationships.
Dr. Enright and his colleagues have done much research in forgiving
and its positive mental and physical health effects.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to look at your grievances
in light of what Enright calls "The Work Phase" of forgiving.
Enright’s Work Phase entails reframing the wrongdoer, finding empathy
and compassion toward the offender, acceptance and absorption of the pain
and realizing that one has also needed forgiving.
However, we will look at how the specific application of Harada's "Meta
Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain enhance the
4 units of Enright's third phase under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will
be placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way
to be construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide
or excusing bad behavior on the part of others.
March
14, 2001 Stay out of his head (and out of his bed!)
Women, as the socially precocious nurturers we were designed to be,
have a little trouble with how we use our intuition in our relationships.
In fact, many women who are deeply spiritual and highly intuitive have
the most difficulty maintaining quality relationships.
This lecture will talk directly about the Lessons of Women and Men that
work most effectively at creating a solid spiritual basis for thinking
and acting toward each other that makes us feel more whole and loved and
makes us more available to each other in the ways that make the most impact.
March 21, 2001 Shame
Guilt is what is felt when we make a mistake; Shame is the experience
of feeling that you as a person are a mistake. Shame is the experience
of feeling defective to the very core of your being.
At least with Guilt there is a way of making things right, of correcting
the wrong. With Shame there is no way to make amends or correct the
wrong, because the wrong is you as a person.
Shame by its nature, demands secrecy and diversions. Since healing
grief and trauma requires just the opposite, to remain engulfed in Shame
is to commit spiritual suicide.
This lecture will offer an opportunity for all participating to examine
the connections between their shame, their grief and the ways in which
they try to dissociate. We will examine the ways in which the spiritually
dead push the limits of danger, the ways in which they abuse themselves
and others, and the desperate attempts we make as we search in vain for
external sources of self worth and relief.
March 28, 2001 Suicide
The threat of suicide looms as a frightening, consuming pall for those
stricken with the trance of depression.
It is equally frightening and painful for those who fear losing or
who have nearly lost a loved one to suicide.
Many carry a nearly superstitious fear that talking about suicide will
make it happen, and it is this fear that leaves suicidal loved ones feeling
alone and unsupported.
In this lecture we’ll talk about what prevents us from addressing this
issue more directly, and how we can work with our own fears to move out
of the bonds of isolation and into a healing intimacy with ourselves and
those we are concerned about
April 2001 Lectures
"Forgiving: Psychological models" on Wednesday April 4th
Each week, through one avenue or another, we discuss Patti Harada's Meta Ego
model of achieving a state of forgiveness.
The first lecture of each month this year will be devoted to studying various
psychologists' models of the forgiving process with an emphasis on what is
healthy and what requires careful observation to eliminate the dangerous
potential for self harm that can happen to those suffering severe or chronic
injury.
April’s lecture will conclude the discussion of psychologist Robert
Enright's 20-unit/4 phase model of how to go about forgiving in interpersonal
relationships.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to look at your grievances
in light of what Enright calls "The Deepening Phase" of forgiving.
Enright’s Deepening Phase entails finding meaning for oneself and becoming
aware of one’s own internal, emotional release.
However, we will look at how the specific application of Harada's
"Meta Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain enhances
the 4 units of Enright's fourth phase under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will be
placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way to be
construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide or excusing
bad behavior on the part of others. Many of us struggle throughout our lives to
make our relationships work, and there is a solid biological basis in our
efforts, since research over the past 30 years demonstrates clearly that we are
healthier when we are loved.
That’s nice, but what does that do for those who, for one reason or
another, find themselves unloved, or for whom the efforts produce no love? What
if your experience in life is to find yourself chronically wanting and
perpetually not getting the sense of closeness you so desperately need for your
mental and physical well being?
It is a fact that those who are willing to work the hardest at their
relationships, often find themselves the most alone.
What, then, do we do? How do we turn the ship around and head for deeper and
clearer waters? How do we get the sense of companion- ness that is so vital to
our well being?
This lecture will address both the causes of the "always-left-out"
phenomenon and the solution to both improving your own well being and
re-integrating yourself into the stream of relating..
"How Lack of Self Worth Makes Us Unavailable to Each Other"
Many of us find ourselves perpetually unable to tolerate the people we fall
in love with. No matter what, it always seems to end the same. Often, she
complains that she can’t get in – he’s emotionally unavailable – and he
complains that she won’t leave him alone – that she nags him to death.
Neither is too clear on how it happens, but can usually describe in great
detail the attendant misery in these relationships.
This lecture will look at that dynamic and show how the Meta Ego model for
resolving unresolvable losses can change that dynamic for individuals and free
them to bond in new ways.
"Loneliness" on Wednesday, April 18th in UMC’s DuVal
Auditorium
Loss, loneliness and its attendant, seemingly endless sense of grief, are
nearly unbearable at any time of year.
But the return of warm weather the blossoming of spring flowers can often
hold a sharp contrast to the death that lives in our hearts.
This lecture will acknowledge the losses we’ve experienced and address ways
to make loss, loneliness and grief a sacred, meaningful experience as we embark
on the rituals of spring..
"Suicide" on Wednesday, April 25th in UMC’s DuVal
Auditorium
The threat of suicide looms as a chronic, frightening, consuming terror for
those stricken with the trance of depression.
It is equally frightening and painful for those who live with the chronic
fear of losing a loved one to suicide.
Many carry a superstitious fear that talking about suicide will make it
happen, and it is this fear that often leaves suicidal loved ones alone and
unsupported.
In this lecture we’ll talk about what prevents us from addressing this
issue more directly, and how we can work with our own fears to move out of the
bonds of isolation and into a healing intimacy with ourselves and those we are
concerned about.
We’ll also talk about symptoms of suicidal trance, appropriate intervention
actions and the deep grief of those who are the survivors of suicides and feel
to blame for not having intervened in time.
May
2001 Lectures
"Forgiving: Meditative models" on Wednesday May 2nd
Each week, through one avenue or another, we discuss Patti Harada's Meta Ego
model of achieving a state of forgiveness.
The first lecture of each month this year will be devoted to studying various
models of the forgiving process with an emphasis on what is healthy and what
requires careful observation to eliminate the dangerous potential for self harm
that can happen to those suffering severe or chronic injury.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to examine your grievances
in the presence of meditative models of forgiving from various disciplines.
As always, however, we will look at how the specific application of
Harada's "Meta Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain
enhances the meditative models under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will be
placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way to be
construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide or excusing
bad behavior on the part of others.
"Grief about Mom in preparation for Mother’s Day" on Wednesday,
May 9th
Some of us have lost our moms to death, and we grieve moment by moment at
seemingly inopportune times that she is not here to share with us the myriad
experiences of our lives.
Some of us have lost our moms to alcohol, drug abuse and various forms of
insanity, and find ourselves grieving deep inside and often unconsciously that a
mom isn’t here to share the meaning of our lives.
Mother loss is horrendous and impacts every nuance of our lives.
This lecture will provide an opportunity to look at our relationships with
mom, and our losses of mom through Patti Harada’s Meta Ego model of resolving
unresolvable loss.
"Grief about being a mom" on Wednesday, May 16th
Motherhood is heralded as the greatest gift of life. Now, there’s some
pressure for you! Motherhood is also the hardest job in life. Moms are
chronically guilty, abused, neglected and thwarted in their efforts to find
solace in the joy of mothering.
We’ll talk during this lecture about how certain lessons of women help to
make women better moms by making them more self caring. And, we’ll talk about
how to handle the guilt of learning to say "no" to those you love.
We’ll also discuss how to pay attention to your body’s clues that they
are overstepping your generosity, and how to stop doing things for
"them" that they need to be doing themselves.
"Grief about not getting to be a mom" on Wednesday, May 23rd
Many women don’t get to be a mom. Many of these are women who would have
made wonderful moms, but for one reason or another, didn’t get the
opportunity.
Sometimes, today, the choice to work and establish independence results in a
woman finding herself successful and 40 and in a panic about her ticking
biological clock.
Sometimes decisions made in younger years – abortions or children given up
for adoption – create situations where the possibility of motherhood was
abandoned.
For others, children are born and die – or are murdered – or commit
suicide – and motherhood is once again stripped away.
These are prime unresolvable issues that are most appropriate addressed by
Harada’s Meta Ego model for resolving unresolvable losses.
Come and bring your own story and consider this model for bringing reverence
to your loss.
"Your heart as healer of your brain and body" on Wednesday, May
30th
Research indicates that your heart sends meaningful messages to your brain
that are not only understood, but obeyed.
And these messages can affect your thinking and your behavior.
We’ll talk tonight about the newest research in this area, how it relates
to the Meta Ego model of resolving unresolvable losses discussed here each
Wednesday night, and the ways the information can be utilized for your well
being.
"Forgiving:
Meditative compassion models"
on
Wednesday June 6th
Each week, through one avenue or another, we discuss Patti Harada's Meta Ego
model of achieving a state of forgiveness.
We are devoting the first lecture of each month this year to studying various
models of the forgiving process with an emphasis on what is healthy and what
requires careful observation to eliminate the dangerous potential for self harm
that can happen to those suffering severe or chronic injury.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to examine your grievances
in the presence of a particular set of meditative models that are found in
Buddhist traditions.
As always, however, we will look at how the specific application of
Harada's "Meta Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain
enhances the meditative models under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will be
placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way to be
construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide or excusing
bad behavior on the part of others.
"Grief
about Dad in preparation for Father’s Day" on Wednesday, June 13th
Some of us have lost our dads to death, and we grieve moment by moment at
seemingly inopportune times that he is not here to share with us the myriad
experiences of our lives.
Some of us have lost our dads to alcohol, drug abuse and various forms of
insanity, and find ourselves grieving deep inside and often unconsciously that a
loving dad isn’t here to share the meaning of our lives.
Some of us had relationships with our dads that could fuel horror novels.
Father loss is horrendous and impacts every nuance of our lives.
In addition, if you are female, the relationship you had with your dad will
have a huge impact on the way you relate to the world.
This lecture will provide an opportunity to look at our relationships with
our dads through Patti Harada’s Meta Ego model of resolving unresolvable loss.
Caring
for him without carrying him!
on Wednesday, June 20th
Most women give love abundantly, and have long histories of finding
themselves loving and giving and feeling rejected and neglected in the process.
Patti’s relationship lecture this month will talk about how our biology
creates and supports the phenomenon of giving, and how certain spiritual
disciplines can create a health promoting balance in how, when, where, why and
what we give and open opportunities for the most longed for -- and most feared
-- experience of receiving.
No lecture Wednesday, July 4th
Forgiving: How the principles and 12 steps of AA create forgiving, on July 11th
in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from 7 to 9pm.
The 12-Step program of Alcoholics Anonymous is tremendously successful at
creating attitudes of forgiveness in those who actually work the program. And
yet, within the main body of the text, Alcoholics Anonymous, the subject
is mentioned only six times; and then, with minor exceptions in intent, only in
relation to needing to be forgiven or asking forgiveness.
In its instruction to the alcoholic that he make direct amends to those he
had harmed even if she has done him more harm than he may have done to her, the
book acknowledges that it is harder to make amends to an enemy than it is
to a friend, but that their experience is that it is much more beneficial to
do so.
There are pretty strong indicators throughout the text that AA’s intention
is to create a dramatic change in attitude, not just clean up relationships. And
so he is encouraged to go to his offender in a helpful and forgiving
spirit, confessing his former resentment and expressing his regret.
With the exception of three instances that discuss what others may have to
contend with in trying to forgive the alcoholic, it doesn’t ever say that the
alcoholic has to forgive to stay sober. At least it doesn’t say it in those
terms.
What it does say, 28 times throughout those first 164 pages of the
official text, is to avoid resentment. And in every instance – too many to
cite here – the alcoholic is told that he cannot stay sober as long as he
harbors any resentment. Though the focus of the Steps is not on forgiving
it is unquestionably about resolving resentment. Isn’t resentment what
forgiving resolves?
Comparing the 12-step process with what we've already discussed in months
past about models of forgiving should give us an opportunity to see what aspects
of the process may be most critical to forgiving, and may provide enlightenment
about what is actually being accomplished by AA’s 12 Steps.
My hunch is that surrendered remorse, achieved through AA’s process of
surrendered self examination, opens one’s heart and mind to love, bringing
about a realization of the pain of the world, and that creates a lens
through which the wrongs of others are seen with a forgiving attitude.
Siblings: Our trauma and our grief on July 18th in UMC’s DuVal
Auditorium from 7 to 9pm
Relationships with our siblings... When they are good, they are great. And
when they are bad, they run the gamut from mild resentment to lethal hatred and
life-long post traumatic injury. There are as many theories about sibling
rivalry as there are theorists, but some statistics are emerging that unite all
concerned: emotional and physical abuse and incest among siblings are far more
common than we think.
In a healthy environment, the presence of siblings and the rivalries they
work through can help one learn to value the perspectives of others, learn
skills of compromise and negotiation, and learn how to control aggressive
impulses.
But a large number of people are not experiencing the joys of self
actualization in their relationships with their siblings. In fact, they are
encumbered by wounds that prevent them from forming healthy relationships as
adults.
A study done in a Tennessee university a few years ago revealed that a
significant number – 65 percent – of the study participants had experienced
severe physical abuse, including being kicked, bitten, hit or choked by
siblings, and a similar percentage reported inflicting that abuse on a sibling.
That study didn’t even include the numbers of incest abuse amongst siblings.
Though the belief is beginning to shatter, historically, sibling abuse and
incest have been seen as less traumatic than adult-child abuse and incest
because no generational boundary is being violated. But the rate of
brother-sister incest is estimated to be at least five times higher than
parent-child incest. By believing that the abuse or incest is not serious, the
abuse can go unrecognized and unreported. The very fact that the abuse is not
perceived as serious can further damage the psyche of the victim.
Regardless of the nature of the abuse, sibling rivalries can leave us –
even in adulthood – feeling pressured, trapped, betrayed, powerless and
ashamed. and can often be more damaging than abuse by a stranger, especially
when the offender is protected by family secrecy.
This month we’ll talk about how to use Patti’s Meta Ego model for
resolving these seemingly unresolvable losses and for finding reverence for our
own experiences.
Our two-year anniversary! on July 25th in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium
from 7 to 9pm.
Come celebrate two years of learning to trust love and the truth as a model
for living
August 1st - Models of
Forgiving: D. Patrick Miller's Meditative Model
in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from 7pm to 9pm
Each week, through one avenue or another, we discuss Patti Harada's Meta Ego
model of achieving an inner state of forgiveness.
We are devoting the first lecture of each month this year to studying various
models of the forgiving process, with an emphasis on what is healthy and what
requires careful observation to eliminate the dangerous potential for self harm
that can happen to those attempting to find compassion for others while
experiencing severe suffering or chronic injury.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to examine your grievances
in the presence of a particular set of meditative models presented by D. Patrick
Miller in his book, A little book of Forgiveness.
As always, however, we will look at how the specific application of
Harada's "Meta Ego Model" of self love and relaxed resistance to pain
enhances the meditative models under discussion this month.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will be
placed on understanding what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way to be
construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide or excusing
bad behavior on the part of others.
August 8th - Chronic Grief in
Relationships
in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from
7 to 9 pm.
This evening we'll take the principles taught in each Wednesday night lecture
and apply them to lessons of women and men in coping with our day-to-day living
issues.
We’ll talk in this lecture about the pain that takes place in our
relationships. Left untreated over time, it can be intense and life threatening.
And the saddest thing of all, that it is almost always born of intense love.
This lecture will address the causes of chronic grief in relationships and
offer ideas on how women and men can best operate from their own positions of
internal power.
August
15th - Facing
Permanent Damage and Loss in DuVal Auditorium.
Healing an injury encompasses a deep understanding that we cannot go back and
change the reality of the past, and that to live in a state of resistance hoping
for such a change makes an absurd parody of our lives.
Realize it? Well, of course you know about it. But this says realize
it... bring it down deep enough into your feeling self and high enough into your
cognitive self to fully comprehend exactly how you were or are damaged by
the injury.
This lecture discusses how to make sufficient enough connection between your
reactions to life’s situations and the injury you experienced to enable you to
stop and be still and become consciously aware of how the injury has changed you
and changed your life.
August 22nd - Blame
in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from 7 to 9pm.
Blaming seems to be a natural human response that attempts to attribute
responsibility for something perceived as unjust and threatening. When a
situation is seen as threatening to us or our loved ones, we experience varying
degrees of fear, anger, betrayal and hurt. Blaming is our attempt to bring some
sense of control into an unacceptable or unfair situation.
In fact, blaming is such a pervasive and automatic response that we rarely
ever notice or question the response in ourselves.
Only when we are on the receiving end of blame -- when we are feeling
blamed -- do we see the irrationality of blame.
Perhaps the "benefit" we gain from blame can best be understood in
the moments when we attempt not to blame. To stand still and simply feel
the discomfort of the effects of the undesirable behaviors of ourselves or
others is nearly unbearable for most of us. And if the injury done to us is
severe, it is unfathomable.
This lecture will talk about how Harada's Meta Ego model of resolving
unresolvable losses works to eliminate the destructive cycle of blame, whether
it is blame you're feeling or blame you're receiving from someone else..
August 29th - Resolving
Unresolvable Losses
in UMC’s DuVal
Auditorium from 7 to 9pm.
The grip of unrelenting pain brought about by grief and trauma runs the gamut
from making us feel sad to leaving us feeling terrified, paralyzed and
incapacitated.
Living in a culture that doesn’t honor, let alone encourage, embracing deep
pain, can make it feel dangerous to allow ourselves to give in and explore the
nuances of our feelings.
Because we live in a world that intensifies our isolation by not
understanding what is required to give adequate support to those who are hurt,
it is critical that those who are grieving learn techniques for self support in
this most necessary aspect of healing.
This week’s lecture, then, will address the kinds of losses that leave us
without hope for resolution, and will offer techniques for easing our way into
the steps most necessary for making changes in how we come to terms with life.
September
5th - "Forgiving": How it became the Big F word.
Grief from the death of a loved one is nearly unbearable. When there are
traumas leading up to the death -- like when your loved one is taken from you
through homicide, manslaughter, suicide or medical mistakes -- grief can
threaten your sanity and can feel life threatening.
At no point does "forgiving" feel like a good idea.
And I think the reason why is that there is a major flaw in our culture's
interpretation of forgiving.
The model of forgiving being taught in my lectures differs
dramatically from that of the prevailing model for forgiving. It is designed
specifically for people dealing with the most unresolvable traumas of all:
survivors of homicides, manslaughter and medical neglect.
In fact, whatever your loss, be it the death of a loved one or
the death of a relationship, the processing of learning to find reverence for
YOU will bring meaning and purpose back to your grief.
Religions and psychologists alike endorse forgiving as a tool
for or as evidence of healing.
However, I am convinced that extending compassion outward over
the top of your own pain in an attempt to do this thing people think is
"forgive" is a sure way to end up with more problems than you started
with, and is a guarantee that you will suffer the myriad diseases and poor
health conditions that accumulate from chronic grief. At the least we are left
with guilt because we can't or won't.
What differs in my model for forgiving? Forgiving
is seen as a state of being that embraces YOU, not an action or intention toward
someone else. It
isn't something you do to someone. The other person isn't involved in
anyway. Forget the person, the place, the thing, or just life, that caused the
injury. Forgiving is not supposed to be about anything outside of you.
September
12th - How
do we forgive unpardonable losses? in UMC’s
DuVal Auditorium from 7 to 9 pm
The tragedy of the September 11th terrorist attacks falls right at the top of
the list of unpardonable, inexcusable injuries.
Tonight's lecture will look at the process necessary for coming to a place of
peace in the midst of our pain.
September
19th - Unrelenting Anxiety and Issues of Trust in UMC’s
DuVal Auditorium from 7pm to 9pm
Most people feel anxiety at some time in life. Anxiety
is related to a natural response of the body to potentially threatening
situations. When danger is sensed, the nervous system releases adrenaline and
cortisone into the blood stream, causing rapid heart beat, shallow and rapid
breathing, tensing of the muscles and heightened
alertness, all of which ready the mind and body for
action.
Initiation of anxiety attacks can come from traumatic
experiences, childhood abuses that lurk below the surface of consciousness,
genetic inheritance, substance withdrawal and some organic diseases.
The issue in this lecture, of course, will be
identifying anxiety, separating real threat from that imposed by grief and
trauma, and demonstrating techniques for finding peace and comfort in response.
September
26th - Meditations Designed Specifically for Grief and
Trauma in DuVal Auditorium.
These meditations are designed to not only assist us in learning the
technique being taught in these lectures, but to initiate our souls.
Thomas Moore said in 1988 that our souls grow wise through initiation.
Initiation, he explains, is far deeper and more challenging than learning. In
learning one doesn’t have to be so deeply affected as in initiation.
The span of variance can be likened to the difference between reading about
sperm and eggs, and having one’s first sexual encounter. In initiation, the
soul is put to a test. It is affected, moved or stunned into a new dimension of
being.
Jean Houston, in 1987, in her book Search for the Beloved speaks of
"transformation through sacred wounding," Maybe all we’re saying
through all of these processes is that whatever it is that you do, at the point
at which you create "sacred wounding" you have an important spiritual,
physical, cognitive, and emotional change.
So, this lecture includes meditations for deep grief and injury. A meditation
just for you; one for you and others like you; another for you and the injurer;
and yet another for you and the injurer and all those in the world who have
acted like your injurer.
Lectures in October
Forgiving:
From Anger to Forgiveness on Wednesday October 3rd in UMC’s DuVal
Auditorium 7pm to 9pm
Each week, through one avenue or another, we discuss Patti Harada's model of
achieving an inner state of forgiveness. We devote the first lecture of each
month to studying various models of the forgiving process, with an emphasis on
what is healthy and what requires careful observation to eliminate the dangerous
potential for self harm that can happen to those attempting to find compassion
for others while experiencing severe suffering or chronic injury.
This month's lecture will give you an opportunity to examine your grievances
in the presence of a Larsen’s practical guide of moving from anger to
forgiveness. Lecture participants will be given an opportunity to see Larsen’s
questionnaire on anger level, and his stages or "faces" of anger will
be discussed with Patti’s model as a healthful foundation.
Emphasis, as in all discussions of forgiving at Patti's lectures, will be
placed on distinguishing between what forgiving is and what it is not, so that
participants come away with an understanding that forgiving is in no way to be
construed as reconciling, condoning, pardoning, letting things slide or excusing
bad behavior on the part of others.
Relationships:
How our differences complicate forgiveness on Wednesday October 10th
from 7 to 9 pm.
He thinks she’s too sensitive, needs to lighten up, and spends too much
time worrying about things she can’t do anything about.
She thinks he’s insensitive, ought to open up to his feelings, and acts
like he doesn’t really care at the times when he should be most caring.
These two really do love each other. Patti’s lecture this week will explain
some of the common differences between ways men and women grieve, the ways in
which they communicate, and the ways their differences can be enhanced to create
unity instead of separateness.
This lecture will also provide insights about how this pattern of thinking
gets started and what the deep spiritual lessons are in trying a different way
of relating to the world.
Oh, yeah?
Well, forgive THIS! October 17th from 7 to 9 pm in UMC’s DuVal
Auditorium
The tragedy that struck our country on September 11th , and other
issues of grief, loss and trauma, will be examined in light of what conventional
models of forgiving ask of us, what the most spiritually healthful model
requires, and the importance of discriminating between forgiving, pardoning,
excusing and reconciling.
Prolonged unresolvable grief can threaten your sanity and can feel life
threatening. At no point, when the injury is deep, does "forgiving" a
wrong ever feel like a good idea. And I think the reason why is that there is a
major flaw in our culture's interpretation of forgiving.
The model of forgiving being taught in these lectures differs dramatically
from that of the prevailing model for forgiving. It is designed specifically for
people dealing with the most unresolvable traumas of all: murder, medical
neglect, abuse, betrayal and abandonment.
In fact, whatever your loss, be it the death of a loved one or the death of a
relationship, the processing of learning to find reverence for you will bring
meaning and purpose back to your grief. Religions and psychologists alike
endorse forgiving as a tool for or as evidence of healing.
However, I am convinced that extending compassion outward over the top of
your own pain in an attempt to do this thing people call "forgive" is
a sure way to end up with more problems than you started with, and is a
guarantee that you will suffer the myriad diseases and poor health conditions
that accumulate from chronic grief. At the least we are left with guilt because
we can't or won't forgive.
What differs in my model for forgiving? Forgiving is a state of being that
embraces YOU, not an action or intention toward someone else. It isn't something
you do to someone. The other person isn't involved in any way. So, quit focusing
on the person, the place, the thing, or just life, that caused the injury.
Forgiving is not supposed to be about anything outside of you.
When trauma and grief are great or experienced over a long period of time,
the work of coming to peace is complicated and tedious.
The
role of dreams in forgiveness work on October 24th in DuVal
Auditorium from 7 to 9pm
Dream content becomes a very useful tool during this process because they
offer significant symbols for identifying where we are in our healing process,
and what our specific obstacles and fears are.
This lecture will present Robert Johnson’s model for dream interpretation
and will show how the use of active imagination with dream symbols can work to
bring us to a deeper sense of peace.
Therapists'
Encounters with Revenge and Forgiveness on October 31st in UMC
Room 5403 from 7 to 9 pm
The November lecture on models of forgiving is being offered during the last
week in October because there will be no lecture on November 7th.
Mary Sherrill Durham presents a therapists view of revenge and forgiveness in
her recent book. This lecture will discuss Durham’s views on forgiveness, her
research in the exploited-repressive person, the vindictive person and the ways
in which therapists can find themselves locked into the problem rather than the
solution.
Patti’s model of forgiving will be discussed in light of these personality
types, the needs of therapists, and the needs of those in therapy.
Lectures in November 2001
No
lecture on Wednesday November 7th
The lecture on other models of forgiving normally held this night will
be/was held on October 31st in Room 5403 of DuVal Auditorium.
Relationships: How our differences complicate our
love on Wednesday November 14th from 7 to
9 pm.
He thinks she’s too sensitive, needs to lighten up, and spends too much
time worrying about things she can’t do anything about.
She thinks he’s insensitive, ought to open up to his feelings, and acts
like he doesn’t really care at the times when he should be most caring.
These two really do love each other. Patti’s lecture this week will explain
some of the common differences between ways men and women grieve, the ways in
which they communicate, and the ways their differences can be enhanced to create
unity instead of separateness.
This lecture will also provide insights about how this pattern of thinking
gets started and what the deep spiritual lessons are in trying a different way
of relating to the world.
Participants will have an opportunity to consider these differences in light
of lessons for women and the lesson for men that resolve some of these
difficulties.
Gratitude and Grief, Wednesday, November
21st from 7 to 9 pm in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium
Toward the end of the year, when Thanksgiving and the holy holidays of love
and unity are celebrated, the losses in our lives can become intolerable.
Achieving anything close to gratitude can be a hard fought battle.
This lecture will acknowledge the losses we’ve experienced and address ways
to make loss, loneliness and grief a sacred, meaningful experience as we embark
on the rituals of year’s end.
Grief, loss, loneliness and
the upcoming holidays, Wednesday November 28th
from 7 to 9 pm in DuVal Auditorium.
The grip of loneliness brought about by grief and trauma runs the gamut from
feeling alone while with friends and family to actually being without human
company. It’s hard to say which is more difficult, and it’s sometimes hard
to see why it’s happening.
The sense of alienation that takes place within one’s psyche from having
your world shattered is enough all on its own to make you feel very lonely.
But we live in a world that intensifies our isolation by not understanding
what is required to give adequate support to those who are hurt.
Rare is the friend or family member that knows to listen with an open,
willing heart and stilled lips.
We’ll talk this night about both situations, and we’ll hit head-on the
techniques for accommodating this painful part of grief’s reality.
Grief, Depression and Anger Part I on Wednesday
December 5th in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from 7 to 9 pm
If your depression is severe enough, if your losses have been great enough,
and if you’ve hurt for too long, you’ll have a hard time believing that
there really is a way out. This two-part series, presented by U of A Psychology
of Death & Loss instructor, Patti Harada, will give you an opportunity to
examine your experience with loss in light of a model of healing that allows
grief, depression and anger to be experienced in an environment of reverence for
your humanity
Chronic relationship conflicts on Wednesday December
12th in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from 7 to 9pm
Chronic relationship conflicts can be brutal to any hope of a peaceful life.
Our attachment to each other – or more accurately, the way in which we attach
to each other – is shown in extensive epidemiological research to be the most
important factor in our physical and emotional health.
As we age – and as we grow emotionally, intellectually and spiritually –
we are often drawn into conflict about the rightness of staying in and the
wrongness of leaving the primary relationships in our lives.
One view of therapy and set of self-help books leaves us wondering if we’re
avoiding our healing by staying. The next set can make us wonder if we’re
avoiding our lessons by leaving.
How do you know? How do you avoid making a costly mistake? What are the
guidelines for what seems workable and what seems impossible. How does one know
what "the lesson" is and how do you get the courage to know it and
live it?
U of A Psychology of Love & Spirituality instructor, Patti Harada,
presents a unique view of the lessons of women and men, and offers a view of
ourselves as women and as men that can both refresh your idea of who you are and
might want to be in relation to the world around you.
Grief, Depression and Anger, Part II on Wednesday
December 19th in UMC’s DuVal Auditorium from 7 to 9pm.
In the December 5th lecture on grief, depression and anger, we talked about
depression as a normal aspect of grieving trauma and loss.
We went so far as to say that depression is valuable and provides the
potential for life changing experiences.
And, we concluded that grief, depression and anger need to be honored as a
valuable and necessary part of our experience, and that learning to honor them
helps us maintain healthy lives.
In this week’s lecture, U of A Psychology of Death & Loss instructor,
Patti Harada, will focus on specific ways to go about giving these powerful
feelings a place of honor in our lives, and how to make a companionate
relationship with it so that the experience remains healing and constructive
instead of degrading to our day to day existence.
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