If we are to love anything or anyone
at all, we will at some point experience the devastating loss of deep injury.
The result can easily become a life of resentment and permanent, relentless
devastation.
True forgiveness has been acknowledged
in many camps – from religion to independent forms of spirituality
and psychology – as an antidote to the resentment of deep injury.
The problem is that the word,
and in fact, the practice of forgiveness as it has been taught in many
well-meaning religions, carries such a heavy implication for premature
reconciliation that it is unpalatable to the point of being completely
out of the question for those who are suffering from a deep hurt.
Evidence of the destructiveness
of the current framework through which forgiving is viewed is found in
the most common statements of defense against forgiving: “He (or she) doesn’t
deserve to be forgiven for that!” Or, “I could never forgive someone
for doing that. That’s unforgivable!”
Therein lies the misunderstanding.
Therein lies the dilemma. Because if forgiving really is the
only way to get relief in the face of deep injury, and it is seen as the
antithesis of reasonable and appropriate self care, then anyone who hurts
us in any way has finished us off for good. Permanently.
Now, the wisdom of the ages can’t
be that far off base. When an idea or a practice stays alive for
centuries, there must be something in it that has merit. But what?
For those of us who have come
to realize the importance of self love and self care as a necessary factor
in the equation of caring for others, how does this implied insistence
that we embrace our injurers fit into the picture?
It’s with this thought in mind
that I’ve looked at this widely heralded and very unpopular discipline
called, “forgiving.” And I’ve found in my search that in this area,
like so many others, we’re a little off the mark in our understanding of
what is being asked when the suggestion is made “to forgive.”
I’ve known that for a long time,
but it wasn’t until I read a definition of the Greek word, aphiemi, that
I could label why.
In its translation from Greek,
and in interpretations by religions that may or may not have had their
hearts in the right place, we have grossly misunderstood the instruction.
I think that a clue to
the intended discipline is found in the literal translation of aphiemi
which is to send away, to let go or to release. Send
what away? Release what? That, I think, is where the translation
has gone awry. Release the injurer from all responsibility?
NO! Send away all our feelings about what has happened? NO!
Let go of taking appropriate precautions in our relationships? NO!
Waaaaaaay off the mark! What then?
When I combine this literal translation
with what I’ve learned in other spiritual disciplines about letting go
and allowing things to be as they are, I begin to understand the translation
of aphiemi as I believe it was intended: Release the feelings...
send them out or allow them to flow out. When reminders of what has
happened come to your mind, sit quietly and gently let go and allow those
thoughts to be there and quietly dissipate. Send
What emerges from this
process creates the level of peace and compassion that so many of us have
been attempting to apply over the top of our pain.
In researching the origins of
the word, and other things written about forgiveness, I ran into some scholarly
works that identify minutely what the tiny psychological processes are
that occur in that state of releasing... of letting go... of our feelings.
That is when I really began to
understand forgiving and how and why it has been so grossly misunderstood
and so deeply resented.
When I share this and other similar
processes with people today, they are struck with relief with the information
that they do not have to begin the process of forgiving with anything that
looks remotely like what they’ve anticipated.
All that is required is the willingness
to let to and turn our loving attentions and intentions toward ourselves
so that we can begin the process of releasing the pain of our injuries
and releasing ourselves from the vice grips we’ve held over our own hearts.
There are several diverse paths
to take in accomplishing this end. And it seems to me after examining
these in some depth that regardless of whether you choose a direct
approach to forgiving, or an approach that encourages self-examination
and amends, or hypnosis or forms of meditation, each, though lacking in
many aspects unique to the others, brings those of us who suffer to the
point of release and freedom – to forgiving – in direct proportion
to the extent that each brings about surrendered self-responsibility.
Meaning? Meaning, an open-palmed,
free flowing willingness to care for ourselves, be genuinely interested
in and concerned about ourselves, be affectionate and rigorously honest
with ourselves so that we can take charge of our lives and prevent our
abusers from continuing to take from us the joy we so richly deserve.
Born of that process – eventually – is the experience of compassion
for the abuser. But that compassion comes on its own, unaided by
our own will. The use of will power in this process of forgiving
should not be to force oneself to be kind and compassionate toward the
offender, but to be kind and compassionate toward oneself while keeping
our focus on this discipline of self love and self honesty.
If you understand that paragraph
completely, then you need read no further. If it doesn't reach you
and shake your soul, then read on. You probably won't read anything
you don't know. What's most likely to happen is that you'll read
things that make you say... "I knew that... but I couldn't let myself believe
it on my own!"
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